i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize