Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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