I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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