We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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