I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
