I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
