Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
