He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
