haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
