I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
