It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
