I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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