ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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