i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
