Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
