bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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