Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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