Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
