Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
