Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
