I think i peed on brittanys purse
I skipped work to stalk him.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
