I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
