I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
