last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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