i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
