i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
