My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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