Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
