Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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