Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
