Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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