My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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