i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
