Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
