Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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