you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
