Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
