You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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