I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
