sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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