As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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