I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
