Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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