nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
whose parrot is this?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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