I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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