My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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