I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
