There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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