my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
