It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
