I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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