some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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