Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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