I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just cropdusted the office
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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