Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
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He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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