So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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