sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
