the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
