Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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